3rd Engagement Anniversary

Peter proposed to me on April 2, 2010 on a sail boat on Utah Lake. Afterwards, we called our parents and went out to dinner at Red Lobster. 

I realize that it is not April 2nd, but when you have a coupon to Red Lobster that expires on March 31st, you pretend that it is April 2nd.

Lobster fest is too good.

As we were sitting there, Peter made the observation that the average age of the customers was probably 65 years old. And, it was 6 pm when we got there, not 4:30! Oh well, I guess that means we have mature taste?

So glad this guy wanted to marry me.

Church, Church and more Church

Peter and I live a very glamorous and exciting life. Two weeks ago, we got to go to a Boy Scouts training called "Little Philmont" on Friday night and most of the day Saturday. Apparently the real Philmont is pretty cool. It's a week long camp in New Mexico where you take your family and do all kinds of fun activities. I'm not sure why this was called Little Philmont because it was basically nothing like that.

It was pretty interesting, but it was mostly geared toward the Boy Scouts, so a lot of the information did not necessarily apply to me. There were a couple of good sessions where we gave ideas about Cub Scouts and how to integrate the Faith in God program into the weekly meetings. I decided that's what I would focus on since that's the Primary's responsibility.

My very first Scouting badge... hopefully I don't collect too many of these over the years.

Cub Scouts is sort of my least favorite thing about being the Primary President. (And, now that I've said that, I've basically sealed my fate on what my next calling will be.) I just really don't like the production of scouts. The skits that no one can hear because the boys are so embarrassed they whisper their lines, the cheesy cheers, etc. I do think the scouting program can be effective, I just wish it was simpler. And that I didn't get in trouble for not buying and wearing a 40 dollar shapeless, brown shirt to the meetings.

For our date night this past weekend, we went to the Saturday night adult session of Stake Conference. Peter and I had been asked to sing with two other couples, so we were there an extra hour. We basically just live at the Church these days. (A funny side note, when I told Peter that we were going to sing, he said, "I'm not." in a very matter of fact way. He was under the impression that it was just the two of us singing. I was able to convince him when I said there would be two other men singing the same part as him. Thanks to Mom and Dad Jones for making him go to choir all those years growing up!)

The only redeeming thing about all these Church meetings is that I actually get to sit next to Peter. Here's to Stake Conference in another six months!

4 Days

Oh, how I wish I would have written this post on Friday.

Friday
Friday was a great day. I took a test. And, finally, it was positive.

The happiness. The excitement. The joy. Neither Peter or I could wipe the smiles off our faces. What we want more than anything was actually happening.

We called our parents and they added to the excitement.

Only 4 weeks. We're educated, we knew the risks.

But the test was positive. And what a relief that was. We could get pregnant. One of my greatest fears was conquered. I have a new greatest fear.

It was difficult to keep the secret from our friends at lunch. From people at church.

Monday
I made my first prenatal appointment. The excitement continued.

Tuesday
I woke up to blood. Lots of it.

The shock. The horror. The sadness. As intense, perhaps more intense, than the other feelings.

I was sad, but I took comfort in the fact that it happened overnight. I didn't have to suffer through the process.

If only that had been the case. A full day of cramping, bleeding, weeping. And trying to hide it. No one could know.


Everything was fine. And then, it just wasn't anymore.

The whole experience seems so surreal. Was I even pregnant? Yes, I saw the test. And the signs. The very obvious signs. Hello, boobs that doubled in size and tenderness. And eating every two hours and still being ravenous at the end of two hours.

We knew of the pregnancy for 4 days. Hardly any time at all. But, somehow, that doesn't make any of this any easier. I've now lost a child.

But, did I really lose a child? I was pregnant for 4 1/2 weeks. The baby didn't have a heartbeat, yet. It's hard to not know what happens to that baby. I've been struggling with questions such as, "At what point does the spirit enter the body?" If I had been 6 weeks along, I would say that  I absolutely lost a child. A tiny little baby with its own heartbeat.

Some might say that I shouldn't be sad because I only knew about this baby for 4 days. But, therein lies the heartache. Those 4 days were much too short.

Written on February 28

Peter funnies

Today we had Stake Conference and one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency had presented names of men who were to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood for a sustaining vote. He then proceeded to give the information of men who had been ordained Elders or High Priests since the previous conference, which included Peter. As he read Peter's name, he started to stand up, but he hadn't been asked to stand, so I grabbed his suit coat and pulled him back down. Phew. Dodged a bullet on that one.

We received some peanut m & m's as a gift and as we were eating them, Peter mentioned that the chocolate tasted different. They were the Easter colors, so I thought maybe he was thinking of that. A few minutes later, Peter says, "Wait! These are peanut m & m's?" Apparently he can't tell the difference between chocolate and peanuts....

For how smart Peter is, he sure does do some silly things. 

Grateful

I am trying to find optimism and to be grateful in this time of waiting for and wanting of children. It is kind of hard.

But, today, I am grateful that Peter and I could go to the temple last night and spend 4 hours together without a thought of getting a babysitter.

Motherhood

I want so much to be a mother. It is really all I have ever wanted. As I look at mothers, I just hope they know how lucky they are to be holding sweet babies and naughty toddlers.

My arms and heart literally ache when I think of holding my own baby (hopefully lots of babies over the years).

It's all I dream about. Holding my own baby. Watching Peter holding our baby. I had a very distinct dream last night that I had twins. I remember watching my parents watch Peter with our babies. I remember them telling me how lucky I was to have him to help me. 

I am lucky to have Peter. To have him as my partner, and someday, as my co-parent. 

Someday, these dreams will come true.