4 Days

Oh, how I wish I would have written this post on Friday.

Friday
Friday was a great day. I took a test. And, finally, it was positive.

The happiness. The excitement. The joy. Neither Peter or I could wipe the smiles off our faces. What we want more than anything was actually happening.

We called our parents and they added to the excitement.

Only 4 weeks. We're educated, we knew the risks.

But the test was positive. And what a relief that was. We could get pregnant. One of my greatest fears was conquered. I have a new greatest fear.

It was difficult to keep the secret from our friends at lunch. From people at church.

Monday
I made my first prenatal appointment. The excitement continued.

Tuesday
I woke up to blood. Lots of it.

The shock. The horror. The sadness. As intense, perhaps more intense, than the other feelings.

I was sad, but I took comfort in the fact that it happened overnight. I didn't have to suffer through the process.

If only that had been the case. A full day of cramping, bleeding, weeping. And trying to hide it. No one could know.


Everything was fine. And then, it just wasn't anymore.

The whole experience seems so surreal. Was I even pregnant? Yes, I saw the test. And the signs. The very obvious signs. Hello, boobs that doubled in size and tenderness. And eating every two hours and still being ravenous at the end of two hours.

We knew of the pregnancy for 4 days. Hardly any time at all. But, somehow, that doesn't make any of this any easier. I've now lost a child.

But, did I really lose a child? I was pregnant for 4 1/2 weeks. The baby didn't have a heartbeat, yet. It's hard to not know what happens to that baby. I've been struggling with questions such as, "At what point does the spirit enter the body?" If I had been 6 weeks along, I would say that  I absolutely lost a child. A tiny little baby with its own heartbeat.

Some might say that I shouldn't be sad because I only knew about this baby for 4 days. But, therein lies the heartache. Those 4 days were much too short.

Written on February 28